Marrying or dating someone from another culture can be a wonderful thing; you get to experience a new take on almost every aspect of life. It can also be a nightmare though where after the first "rush of love" dies down you find that you clash over every little thing that impinges on one partner's cultural sensibilities. Here are 6 ideas for minimising that tension:
Be Upfront
My wife's Chinese and I'm English, we agreed right at the start of the relationship that we would never try and change that. Unlike most Chinese women married to a foreigner she maintains her Chinese name and identity with everyone, and has not adopted a Western name to fit in. It makes us both happy and allows us to enjoy being who we are without pressure from each other to "change".
Learn About Each Other's Culture
Keeping an open dialogue is important, it's not that we never go clomping over each other's cultures but when we do - we try and find out why it's important and try and agree boundaries for next time round.
Communicate Clearly and Regularly
Blowing up and screaming and shouting is not the best way to resolve problems. This is particularly true when one of you is trying to communicate in a foreign language. Set out your issues carefully without judgement and explain why they matter.
Learn to Compromise
Sometimes your wishes are going to have to take a back seat. I live in China and thus my cultural needs come in a firm second place at times to my wife's. After all we live in her community rather than mine and she has to deal with the "loss of face" caused by my insensitive "laowei" (the slightly derogatory but well intentioned term used by most Chinese people for foreigners) behaviour.
Trust Your Partner
Learn to go with the flow, and assume that however your partner is behaving they have your best interests at heart. Even if the way things are going seem particularly frustrating at the time, give your whole hearted support in public and discuss any issues you have privately. Embarrassing the person you love is not a recipe for relationship longevity.
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
Before raising an issue make sure it really matters, and it's not just an instinctive cultural "flinch". Here in China people eat Chicken Feet and that makes me queasy, but the fact that my wife loves them doesn't matter in real terms so I keep my mouth firmly shut on the subject. I'm pretty sure she returns that favour a hundred times a day about other things I do.
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